Children and Divorce:

How to Help Your Kids Cope with Divorce

Children and Divorce: A Divorce or Breakup is a Scary. You Can Help a Child to Cope and Make it a Healthy Experience.

Children and divorce is an important topic in a world where nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.

We all know of situations where a divorce got out of hand and the divorcing couple dragged their kids into the conflict. Sometimes the conflict can get way out of hand. Besides being torn between parents who may try to split them, the children have to deal with their grief over the break-up of the marriage and the ending of the family.

It is a big loss — big enough to make anyone depressed.

It's not uncommon for kids to get depressed and/or angry over a divorce, especially when the parents continue to fight after the split up or divorce. The parents may get lost in their emotions, thinking everything is fine with the kids, but it continues to be a bad, if not miserable, situation for the kids.

Even after the divorce is final, the problems may increase or persist. The divorced spouses may continue to fight, only in less obvious ways and, you guessed it, the kids keep getting pulled into the fray. As I have seen hundreds of times in my practice, the emotional toll exacted on the children can be staggering.

Eventually, the divorced parents may take each other to court and fight for custody of the children or changes in the custodial arrangements. The children are dragged into court, and the whole situation gets uglier and uglier with supervised visits and contested financial arrangements.

When we examine children and divorce we realize the emotional wear and tear on the children can be costly. Many of the kids I've counseled on this problem have developed new difficulties in school and problems with peers. Also, they've undergone behavioral changes and fallen into a dark tunnel of anger, frustration and despair.

And the parents may or may not realize what's happening. Often the kids don't know how to tell them... and the parents don't listen, if they try.

Both Parents Must Work Together to Help the Kids Cope and to Care for a Child's Heart.

Children and Divorce:
What's the solution?

First, the parents need to stop and realize how divorce can affect children, the dangers children face.

The kids are losing the intact family they love. Their safe, dependable world is being ripped apart. Kids have told me they felt like they went through the divorce, too. Or a part of them died when their parents separated. Sometimes — and rightfully so — they feel as though they will lose their relationships with one or both parents.

One thing to keep in mind about children and divorce is how hard on them a breakup can be, and that kids tend to suffer in silence.

Second, openly acknowledging the kids' reality and talking about it can be very helpful to the kids. Expressing concern and giving emotional support helps kids tolerate the problems. But it's important for spouses to talk to the kids without blaming each other.

Third, it's unfair to try and turn the kids against one parent in favor of the other. All kids need both parents. Those relationships will be important to them as they grow into adulthood. Using the kids to hurt the other spouse is a harmful game.

And EVERYONE loses.

Parents can decide to avoid being enemies, and refrain from those punishing, passive-aggressive types of behaviors. Instead. agreeing to work together to make it easier on the children is a sound decision. Doing so can save the kids a great deal of grief and keep them out of the principal's office... or perhaps out of the therapist's office.

Yes, that may be a difficult choice for conflicted spouses, but it can be done. The mature and responsible, loving and caring, thing to do is to treat the spouse like a decent person, and not an enemy. That way the kids win, too, and life is less confusing.

Parents who have trouble doing this should seek professional help. It may be helpful to talk with someone about what it was like when the parents were children and they had to undergo the experience of watching their parents divorce.

So, remember, if you're having problems dealing with the whole idea of children and divorce, it may be wise to seek out professional counseling.

Never Leave the Kids in the Dark. Encourage Discussion. Listen. Explain. Answer their questions.

Children and Divorce:
A Model for Healthy Relationships

When kids see their parents behaving rationally and working together, refraining from trying to hurt each other, they develop a healthy model for relationships. And it will enable them to conduct healthier relationships of their own someday.

Moreover, it will show them they are loved because the parents are putting the needs of the kids first. This will create emotional strength that will enable the kids to come out of the divorce in better psychological shape.

It makes sense to do it for the children and each other. Everyone wins this way, and a positive family sense can be maintained, allowing the kids to keep good memories of the way things used to be without having to replace them with new memories based on fighting never-ending battles.

Staying at least cordial with the ex helps send the right message to the children, who will someday (soon) be adults. They need to see a good model for how conflict can be handled. They need to know how to deal with problems in constructive ways, and they will learn that by watching the parents. They will need that model for their own relationships, now and tomorrow, and for their ultimate happiness.

Children and Divorce:
Help Your Kids Adjust and Thrive

Want to reduce the problems associated with children and divorce? Work together!

When spouses agree to work together and remain on peaceful terms, they give the children a priceless gift. And they teach a positive ethic of relationships. Important lessons for everyone.

Their kids will be happier and better adjusted than those children of divorce whose parents remain at odds (or war) with each other. They will do better in school and enjoy healthier and happier lives.

Perhaps most importantly, the kids will be able to have good, strong relationships with both parents, without being torn or divided, and without being manipulated or used by one parent against the other. They will not have to deal with such confusing messages. These children will be healthier and happier than those who get ensnared in the emotional battles of their angry parents.

What do you have to do to give your kids these priceless benefits?

If you want to help your child cope with your divorce:

Cooperate.

Learn to face and grieve your losses.

Deal with anger in healthy ways.

Develop the willingness to negotiate rather than fight.

Take a step toward working with your ex, not against them.

A child needs a healthy relationship with both parents to thrive

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